FOREVER YOUNG

April 18th 2011 In light of the Democratic leadership's refusal to credibly address America's crushing debt, many commentators have, with a depressing lack of originality, ascribed this evasion to the leadership's socialist theories of governance. I, however, disagree. I've researched this matter, and I confidently assert that ideology is only one reason for this lack of a credible response to our debt. The sadder truth is that the Obama administration is populated almost solely by teenagers. Only teenagers would fail to pass a budget and cobble together a continuing resolution for 2011 that calls for nearly $4 trillion in spending and has a deficit of $ 1.6 trillion, or nearly 43% of the spending! You doubt me? Consider, first, the president. Known to the other kids at the mall as B. Prez, this amusing scamp loves pick-up basketball, his Xbox, and those Slurpies you fix for yourself at the mall. He also thinks that those cheese fries are the bomb. Let's also consider the former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Sent to her room by voters in the 2010 election, she spends her time listening to Lady Gaga on her ipad, texting middle school friends, and hoping Justin Bieber will finally visit her site on Facebook. And then there's the sad story of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. When Congress is not in session, I'm getting reports that this young fellow is keeping company in Las Vegas with SEIU toughs, casino owners, global-warming theorists, and other riffraff. It can't come to any good, but I digress. When that awful Paul Ryan introduced his awful budget cuts, these kids got really, really mad. As one of the kids at the mall put it, "You get so tired of being told what to do by parents, teachers, and now those bogus voters. There was some way cool stuff in that resolution." Nancy Pelosi flung open her bedroom window and shrieked that "Republicans are destroying the social compact" as they seek to reform Medicare and Medicaid. (Curious. The president's own debt commission called these progams imperiled.) Pelosi also threatened to ring John Boehner's door bell and run away. The FBI looked into the matter and discounted the threat, since Pelosi isn't tall enough yet to reach the door bell, even if she stood on every one of her Hanna Montana DVD's. A relieved Boehner shed tears and asked for a Kleenex. Harry Reid was like, really mad too. He stepped off his skateboard and issued a blistering and somewhat insane response that sent logicians scurrying for an explanation. The best anyone could say of these remarks is that the senator believes that all the women in the Reid family could forget healthcare for the remainder of their lives if so much as a dollar was denied in Ryan's budget to Planned Parenthood, an organization dedicated to denying life to the unborn, especially if they're dark. They, too, are powerless, voiceless, etc; but teenagers, God love them, are inconsistent. They have those raging hormones. And what of B. Prez? "Well, you've seen him scowl," said a kid at the mall. "Especially when you disagree with him, he is like how dare you. Now, he was also really mad. 'Who is this Paul Ryan to question all that cool stuff? Just raise taxes, dude.' " B.Prez announced that he was preparing a response to our debt crisis and Paul Ryan. In his address to the nation hoping for some employment of logic, some acknowledgement that financial reality has a place at the bargaining table, B. Prez accused the Republicans of making war on the ... autistic. Wow! The moment I heard this marvelous piece of teenage logic, I jotted down the date and time. When a future Gibbon chronicles the demise of America, I hope to leave this moment as a milestone in our downward spiral. Now to be fair, I contacted my friends in the vast right-wing conspiracy. I have street cred with these horrible people because I wrote that memo urging that the federal government reduce the elderly to eating cat food, and not the high-end stuff like Fancy Feast, either. "What's up with our war against the autistic?" I asked. No one I spoke to in this nefarious network could remember such a plot. So why would the Democratic leadership talk such juvenile slander? I am led back to my original premise: We are governed, until 2012, by teenagers. And teenagers, God love them, are inconsistent. They have those raging hormones.